Thursday, September 14, 2006

did not realise that its been two months since i wrote on my blog! why the silence- well too much has been happening. too many stills to upload on the blog- and basically because i have been battling fatigue!

sanah, editing my film, and the house- by the end of the day i have zero energy to 'reflect' on my day. and i am in no shape to even recount the happenings of the day! and note down what i am feeling? forget it!!

the key events in the past two months- sanah began walking ten days before she turned one. she began walking in bangalore- the first trip that sanah and i took-alone! i always remember the image of the mother in her high heeled shoes wheeling her baby in the pram in helma sanders' Germany, pale mother. sanah and were not like that- but yes we gallavanted alone- just the two of us.

sanah has now reached the stage where she learns new things ever few hours- and she is pretty manic-so its impossible to really sit down and mull over what i am feeling about all that she is doing. i can barely keep pace.

but, yes, we are going through the next dramatic stage of our relationship- weaning! its heartbreakingly difficult. if i deny her a feed she looks at me in such utter confusion and dismay. that one look is so distressing- my first 'betrayal' !

And all through this she is learning to express so much love- the unexpected hug in the middle of her exploring yet another corner of the room. that bewitching smile just because i made a funny face.

and my film- i am neck deep in the edit. I should be through before the end of the year. Sanah should be talking by then. who knows her first few words might be chutney- or jah !

its a strange time to be editing a film- i usually go inward while editing. its, for me, the most intense phase in filmmaking. And this time round i am editing -as a mother of a one year old. Being a new mother can make one feel isolated/disconnected from friends . And editing is a time where one wilfully disconnects. So i am going through an odd sense of irritation and relief- resentment and comfort at being isolated. Editing at home in thakur village surely does not help!

4 comments:

Rohan Shivkumar said...

welcome back to blogworld.

Space Bar said...

and post more! post more!

listen--you're coming here, aren't you? didn't we say october? you figure your edit out and all and we'll do oct or nov, whichever works,

yes?

Batul said...

Can understand perfectly, the alienation, the disconnectedness. A baby and a film at the same time, ask me! You need all the luck, all the support you can get from friends and family. And yes, do let's meet up. Can't believe we are neighbors.

maidinmalaysia said...

am loving all the old posts.
*in case you were wondering who was reading this*