did not realise that its been two months since i wrote on my blog! why the silence- well too much has been happening. too many stills to upload on the blog- and basically because i have been battling fatigue!
sanah, editing my film, and the house- by the end of the day i have zero energy to 'reflect' on my day. and i am in no shape to even recount the happenings of the day! and note down what i am feeling? forget it!!
the key events in the past two months- sanah began walking ten days before she turned one. she began walking in bangalore- the first trip that sanah and i took-alone! i always remember the image of the mother in her high heeled shoes wheeling her baby in the pram in helma sanders' Germany, pale mother. sanah and were not like that- but yes we gallavanted alone- just the two of us.
sanah has now reached the stage where she learns new things ever few hours- and she is pretty manic-so its impossible to really sit down and mull over what i am feeling about all that she is doing. i can barely keep pace.
but, yes, we are going through the next dramatic stage of our relationship- weaning! its heartbreakingly difficult. if i deny her a feed she looks at me in such utter confusion and dismay. that one look is so distressing- my first 'betrayal' !
And all through this she is learning to express so much love- the unexpected hug in the middle of her exploring yet another corner of the room. that bewitching smile just because i made a funny face.
and my film- i am neck deep in the edit. I should be through before the end of the year. Sanah should be talking by then. who knows her first few words might be chutney- or jah !
its a strange time to be editing a film- i usually go inward while editing. its, for me, the most intense phase in filmmaking. And this time round i am editing -as a mother of a one year old. Being a new mother can make one feel isolated/disconnected from friends . And editing is a time where one wilfully disconnects. So i am going through an odd sense of irritation and relief- resentment and comfort at being isolated. Editing at home in thakur village surely does not help!