she mirrors all that i do.
so the sneaking off with the phone, for privacy...just what i do when there is a 'work' call.
when she began fiddling with the phone and i admonished her... sternly she said" mumma chai pi" i swigged at it to get some more energy to shout, before i can, she says, " wow, good, khatam kiya"
the computer chair empty, she jumps onto it, puts on the computer(yes, she knows how to put the damn thing on!) and says, " plish mumma, mine kaam"
they mirror us, our attitudes, our reactions...
yesterday in the park there were three children on three swings. their mothers behind them, distractedly swinging them, each on the phone. The children sat silently, swinging along. they could have been sitting in front of the tv.
i sneaked my hand into my pocket and switched off my phone.
through the day, i valiantly try and work. work piles up like never before. sanah bounces up to me, clambers into my lap, and talks, questions, jumps, bounces yet again. my body resembles a beat up rag even before lunchtime. the deadlines are jumped by another day. ragged me attempts to get back to work after lunch. but before i know it she is awake, back to bouncing and this time eagerly shouting, mumma kaam bus. bahar chalo.
So basically the day has gone by with me sneaking into corners to attend to calls, distracting her to get back to work, constantly giving her the sense that i am elsewhere,atleast in my head. Is that better than actually being elsewhere? i think not.
for her to know that i have a world, a life outside of her, is good. but to get a sense that she has to compete with that world that belongs to me, is heartbreaking. and maybe as i get more ragged and anxious thats what i communicate.
so is a play school good? so that she has her time, in her world, and me, mine. so that she has more people to mirror, and preferably a large number of children she would mirror, and not just adults. in a good play school, yes. but the kind that exist in my neigbourhood- franchisee schools run like shops, frightfully expensive, and eager to 'prepare' them for nursery- NO!
so where does that leave us?
the problem is in the question. it begs that ONE answer. the answers i get are varied- you need a full time maid, you must send her to a playschool, do you have to work ( few say that, thank god), ... the three options are laid out, and they dont have to be mutually exclusive. i listen, i nod...
i have to start finding the tongue that is able to articulate my doubts. i have to search for the sounds that will clearly express my resolve to do this and that...in my way. but first i have to be on top of it all, and as most mothers know, thats a position thats pretty much out of bounds
but i guess i am good if i can make up one silly rhyme for the day.