Thursday, July 19, 2007

mirror, mirror

she mirrors all that i do.

so the sneaking off with the phone, for privacy...just what i do when there is a 'work' call.

when she began fiddling with the phone and i admonished her... sternly she said" mumma chai pi" i swigged at it to get some more energy to shout, before i can, she says, " wow, good, khatam kiya"

the computer chair empty, she jumps onto it, puts on the computer(yes, she knows how to put the damn thing on!) and says, " plish mumma, mine kaam"

they mirror us, our attitudes, our reactions...

yesterday in the park there were three children on three swings. their mothers behind them, distractedly swinging them, each on the phone. The children sat silently, swinging along. they could have been sitting in front of the tv.

i sneaked my hand into my pocket and switched off my phone.

through the day, i valiantly try and work. work piles up like never before. sanah bounces up to me, clambers into my lap, and talks, questions, jumps, bounces yet again. my body resembles a beat up rag even before lunchtime. the deadlines are jumped by another day. ragged me attempts to get back to work after lunch. but before i know it she is awake, back to bouncing and this time eagerly shouting, mumma kaam bus. bahar chalo.

So basically the day has gone by with me sneaking into corners to attend to calls, distracting her to get back to work, constantly giving her the sense that i am elsewhere,atleast in my head. Is that better than actually being elsewhere? i think not.

for her to know that i have a world, a life outside of her, is good. but to get a sense that she has to compete with that world that belongs to me, is heartbreaking. and maybe as i get more ragged and anxious thats what i communicate.

so is a play school good? so that she has her time, in her world, and me, mine. so that she has more people to mirror, and preferably a large number of children she would mirror, and not just adults. in a good play school, yes. but the kind that exist in my neigbourhood- franchisee schools run like shops, frightfully expensive, and eager to 'prepare' them for nursery- NO!

so where does that leave us?

the problem is in the question. it begs that ONE answer. the answers i get are varied- you need a full time maid, you must send her to a playschool, do you have to work ( few say that, thank god), ... the three options are laid out, and they dont have to be mutually exclusive. i listen, i nod...

i have to start finding the tongue that is able to articulate my doubts. i have to search for the sounds that will clearly express my resolve to do this and that...in my way. but first i have to be on top of it all, and as most mothers know, thats a position thats pretty much out of bounds

but i guess i am good if i can make up one silly rhyme for the day.

8 comments:

Poppins said...

I also pity the kids who come with moms toting cell phones but then who am I to judge?

I leave my child everyday to step out to work. Because I just cannot work from home. And because I just cannot NOT work at all.

If I am at home, she gets my full attention, she's used to it that now.

the mad momma said...

tagged

SUR NOTES said...

poppins: i have been worrying about this staying at home. i work, try to, for most of the day. i managed quite well up until now, its getting tougher every week.

tmm: i knew i should not have made over smart remarks on your blogs, i was in the danger of being tagged!

anita & amit said...

i seriously feel it's better to be an out-of-the-house working mom. that way, when u'r home with her, u'r with her 100%. i work only from home and i feel n actively has to compete for my attention sometimes, and that is just not fair! in ur case i think the best option might be to get an all-day maid whose main job is to play with baby... u can still do major care-giving jobs like feeding baby, putting her to sleep, etc...

Kodi's Mom said...

i'm torn over the playschool dilemma too - but my case is different. he's already home with grandma.
btw, thought the 'mine kaam' was too cute :)

SUR NOTES said...

anita: i MUST visit you! really tormented about this one issue.

kodi's mom: its all about 'mine' kaam/phone/...etc etc...mine name chana...and since i am a mean mom i add "full name chana masala"...

karmickids said...

Surabhi, would have been a proper working home had brat not had issues and if I could reconcile to leaving him with a maid, since MIL is hands off. But since neither are happening, have put life on hold...which is not a good option but for the moment. You go ahead and do what your heart feels is right...

anja said...

i love the image of her walking and talking on the phone..and the katori to call Tom lol.
I have been thinking the same thing..is it worse that I am home and not giving her my complete attention, would it be better for to have her own life? But not until she is talking I think, so she can tell me everything...