she had not moved in quite a while. she seldom moved after dinner.my hand on her i would wait for those soft, sometimes hard bumps, but she would stay quiet. and i would drift off to sleep. and as the first wisps of pink began collecting in the sky she would begin hiccuping. and i would know that she was well.
but she had not hiccuped that morning. and i had not felt her move the previous, night, or evening. we got ready and met the friend who was to drive us to her house in murud. juice, even though i feared my bladder more in those few months than the worst nightmare, biscuits, all things sweet. but she was quiet, none of the tricks seemed to work. i tried to put on a brave face but they noticed that my palm had not left the bulge of the tummy for hours.
by afternoon i was ready to head back to the city, to the hospital. but the doctor's stern face, the family and friends smiling with raised eyebrows stating 'you fret too much',and i decided to wait some more.
we went for a walk in the evening. towards the beach. the roar was at a distance. and i lumbered through the narrow path. my feet sinking into the sand made me look at my footprints, were they deeper than usual, was she embedded in those footprints...
the roar had settled into a rhythm. the swell, the splash, the dribble... and she stirred. ignoring the rhythm, the splash and the dribble, she communed with the swell. she was splashing around as if she had felt the cool touch of the sea. i stayed still.
i seem to have watched myself as i stood on the road leading to the beach. the lone figure, still, as if watching the crabs move busily about.
are there memories of those nine months when you felt that you alone were your whole universe? a moment, a time of the day, a colour, a food that made you shut out the world?
ps for years i have been tinkering with a film on the experience of pregnancy. i filmed many friends when they were pregnant, well before we even considered having a baby. and then i abandoned it. everyone assumed i would go back to it when i got pregnant. my close friend, who has shot three out of my four films, saved each sms i sent after each scan. but somehow i just could not get back to it even though the sms were very entertaining- but i was not into comedies then! and now for the past six months i have seriously gone back to thinking about the film. and thats the reason for this post.so please do respond ...