Thursday, January 31, 2008

a moment? a time of the day? a colour? a food?

she had not moved in quite a while. she seldom moved after dinner.my hand on her i would wait for those soft, sometimes hard bumps, but she would stay quiet. and i would drift off to sleep. and as the first wisps of pink began collecting in the sky she would begin hiccuping. and i would know that she was well.

but she had not hiccuped that morning. and i had not felt her move the previous, night, or evening. we got ready and met the friend who was to drive us to her house in murud. juice, even though i feared my bladder more in those few months than the worst nightmare, biscuits, all things sweet. but she was quiet, none of the tricks seemed to work. i tried to put on a brave face but they noticed that my palm had not left the bulge of the tummy for hours.

by afternoon i was ready to head back to the city, to the hospital. but the doctor's stern face, the family and friends smiling with raised eyebrows stating 'you fret too much',and i decided to wait some more.

we went for a walk in the evening. towards the beach. the roar was at a distance. and i lumbered through the narrow path. my feet sinking into the sand made me look at my footprints, were they deeper than usual, was she embedded in those footprints...

the roar had settled into a rhythm. the swell, the splash, the dribble... and she stirred. ignoring the rhythm, the splash and the dribble, she communed with the swell. she was splashing around as if she had felt the cool touch of the sea. i stayed still.

i seem to have watched myself as i stood on the road leading to the beach. the lone figure, still, as if watching the crabs move busily about.

are there memories of those nine months when you felt that you alone were your whole universe? a moment, a time of the day, a colour, a food that made you shut out the world?

ps for years i have been tinkering with a film on the experience of pregnancy. i filmed many friends when they were pregnant, well before we even considered having a baby. and then i abandoned it. everyone assumed i would go back to it when i got pregnant. my close friend, who has shot three out of my four films, saved each sms i sent after each scan. but somehow i just could not get back to it even though the sms were very entertaining- but i was not into comedies then! and now for the past six months i have seriously gone back to thinking about the film. and thats the reason for this post.so please do respond ...

16 comments:

The ramblings of a shoe fiend said...

Hey there! Been reading your blog for a while... just wanted to say I really, really enjoy reading your posts. This one was especially lovely.

Rohini said...

Lovely post. Don't think I could articulate my experiences so beautifully, if I tried... but
I remember the stress of not feeling movement and wondering whether everyone would think I was silly to even remark on it...

dipali said...

This was just so beautiful, Surabhi.
Yes, I think those moments make the entire messy business worthwhile, and truly magical:)

Banno said...

Yes, please do make that film. While your own experience is still so fresh in your mind. After a while, you tend to forget a lot of it, specially the stressful bits.

Anonymous said...

Hi Surabhi - have been visiting your space off and on and love the way you express so much of yourself and your world in relatively few words. would love to catch your films . Is there anywhere one can source DVD copies?

SUR NOTES said...

shoe fiend: hey thanks, so you are the person from london who has been visiting.

rohini:what i would get annoyed about was that so often when i did my own research and had my set of doubts and questions it was met with a smirk.

dipali: : )

banno: will need your help

anonymous: hey thanks. you could mail me- all films are available with me. sh.surabhi@gmail.com

the mad momma said...

hey Sur.. in reply to your mail as well as this post.. yes, there were moments.. and i'll be damned if I can remember whether I posted about it or not..

will dig around anyway and let you know.

Preethi said...

First time here.. what a lovely post.. very well articulated... beautiful

nosh n reh's mum said...

Hi Sur,
It's the stuff of life - why wouldnt it be fascinating to make a movie on and for us to watch? I think it would be awesome.

SUR NOTES said...

tmm: thanks

preethi, nosh and reh's mum: thanks for dropping by.

Avanti Sané said...

Yes please! I think its an awesome idea..do make that movie..it really is the most beautiful and strange time of our lives...seven months into my pregnancy and I am still pretty much overwhelmed by the enormity of it all(pun unintended :) )..

SUR NOTES said...

avanti sane`: can i film you? :)
seriously. i can come to bangalore.

and thanks for dropping by

karmickids said...

LOvely lovely lovely. If the post is so beautiful, how beautiful will the film be. Will even get pregnant for your film...LOL....if only I could convince the father now.

karmickids said...

You need pregnant moms, let me know. Quite a few from school brigade about to drop into position any moment.

Suki said...

Wow, Surabhi. You have thoroughly justified the musical name of your blog with this post. It washed and rippled through my mind like the ocean waves you talk about :).
What an intro to your blog!

Please, please do make that film.

Sue said...

Rahul was shot in utero by Tin Can for a play. They never used it though. I wonder if they still have it.

For me I think the most defining moment of the pregnancy would have to be the Charulata moment. It somehow encapsulated the loneliness and wistfulness of the whole experience.